Not getting any sleep...

Last night we went out, as a group of ladies, looking for a good time, we found it, in Bas Vegas of all places. Sadly no photos, but we had fun.

The problem I have is that I haven't been able to sleep since 08:30 yesterday morning, a combination of coke, alcohol and doing very little has probably lead me to the place I'm in right now. I'm emotional, over-tired and talking to myself, seriously discussing my options, out loud, in an empty house (though my brother has just pulled up outside, so I'm going to have to stop talking!). Oh and I'm irrational too!

Probably best if I don't write anything...I may well end up writing the life and times of Liz if I continue.

Short and sweet

Just to say hello, and that I haven't forgotten to blog!

Today was punctuated by young Chris joining us for lunch...obviously accompanied by his mother, as he's only 6 months old! Vicki use to work in our team, but is currently on maternity leave. Chris is a very sweet child, very happy and constantly aware of what is going on around him. Needless to say my pass (that gets me into the office) got a bit of a chewing whilst he was sat on my lap.

Everyone was talking about how I'd be 'next', firstly they've have to watch me get married before I even think about children, and I must say I don't think thats going to happen any time soon. I enjoy the company of children, they have a certain - to use a Harold Zidler phrase (Moulin Rouge) - 'wonderment' about them. Every thing is constantly new and enthralling. I must say baby Chris took it all in his stride.

The other bit of new I have to share with you is that I may soon be anchored to the council for another three months. I've been offered a permanent position, so that the team can't lose me at a moments notice. I feel like I've been floating around for a while, knowing that I could've lost my job, so having a contract with the council, rather than with the employment agency (who have not backed me in any way) feels a lot better. I described it to my manager this morning as being able to 'put my feet on the ground so I don't get dizzy and fall over', which I think is quite an accurate description of my life right now.

Time to sleep!

Asking the right questions...

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

This was on my daily bible verses part of my Facebook page...maybe, just maybe, I've been asking with the wrong intentions...

It's from James btw.

Work was hairy today, a lot of raised tempers and things not happening how they should. Plenty of issues, some I'm qualified to deal with, some I simply have very little training in. I'm still on a learning curve, from dealing with the office in general...to social workers...to everything that could possibly go wrong in one day. And I still have to do the regular amount of work that I normally do.

Getting paid peanuts was never going to be fun...

Finding a seat...

Can prove more difficult than you initially think.

I sat down on Friday afternoon, only to find that the bloke who sat next to me had exactly the same seat number on his ticket. The train guard had a little bit of a paddy when we mentioned it to him. 'It's not my fault, what do you expect me to do, you've all got a seat, haven't you?'.

I will not be using thetrainline.com for any future purchases, and will be phoning them tomorrow morning to tell them that they've got some serious problems with their ticket distribution. I expect to have a seat when I'm given a seat number, not to have to feel guilty for sitting in someone else's seat on a packed train.

Anyway, other than that, my weekend in Bristol has been fun, Miss Kay is ill, so I will wish her well (that's what being a teacher does to you!). We went shopping on Friday and Saturday and I've seen a very cool 'under the sea' classroom! Sleeping was the main agenda for the weekend, as well as the odd drink. Sat in the Beaufort, it felt like I'd never been away...and it's always good to see the shock on some people's faces when they realise you're back! Good to see people though...unfortunately I didn't make it to church, but I will do next time I'm there.

Right, I have to go and look for possible courses that I can do as part of my next job.

Being ripped off

Ok, so I'm at work and I'm blogging...all of good reasons I assure you...

One - The system is down and I can't actually do what I'm supposed to do!

Two - I feel I have been ripped off, by thetrainline.com and I want to rant before its too late!

It's been months since I last brought a travel ticket from said website, and last time I felt that it was good value for money, I'm using the 'right' debit card (one without a charge) and I was buying in plenty of time.

This time is a little different, but I don't get some of the charges...I'm paying for insurance - £1 a journey, love it, good idea. I'm paying £0.50p for 'ticket arrangement fee' - I'm guessing this means that they are charging me for going to collect my tickets from the ticket machine. Why? If I'm doing all the work surely they should be paying me...I have to walk to the station, with all my gumph and type in a series of letter/numbers, so that the machine will spit out my tickets...I'm paying £0.50p fpr 'payment card fee'...this is a website, there is no other way to pay for what they are asking for, so surely it should not cost anything...there should not be a fee because I am paying by card...they should factor it into the running cost of the business.

At least I can go and collect my tickets...it's £6.00 for normal postage and £10 for same day delievery.

I feel that someones business is going under...next time I'm buying my tickets well in advance and possibly talking to the staff at Billericay station, if the ticket office is open...

The system is back...back to work I go.

On the hunt...

After today I know I want to move on...It's just know where to start and what to look for thats the problem. I need a qualification if I'm going to work in the public sector or I need a very encouraging church if I'm going to work there...

Oh dear...time to start looking!

Dead to the world

I'm living with a brain that won't allow me to remember new things from one week to the next, so I've had to change it again, because I can not remember for the life of me what I'd written last week!

Another week that has been emotionally and physically draining for all the reasons that I can think of, and for some of the reasons that really should not take anything out of me at all. I guess the question is, how much longer can I keep going? Like this and with all of this...

I'm still praying in earnest that something will come to light soon...I feel like I've got a long way to go right now though...

As the saying goes, "today is Friday, but Sunday's acomin'"

God is doing a lot right now...

A lot can happen in three days, one man changed the world, the curtain was torn and death was beaten...Easter is quickly becoming a time that is very dark for me, a time when I am upset by the smallest things, and consider what lies ahead...

I keep writing about how I'm unsure, how I'm scared, how I know I can't cope, and all of a sudden, in the light of the events, it all becomes real, and all I want to do is be, with no pressure, no work, in emptiness, with an empty head, trying to figure out the path set before me.

But life is knocking on the door, telling me that my fears are irrational, so I step away and put on a brave face.

Dead to the world for different reasons, with one to put our trust in, knowing that this is the way it has got to be.

Sunday is coming...

Working it out...

Ok firstly, I have to mention the work men in the high street again...silly boys trying to move everything on a Friday morning at 8am, again...did they not learn from the first attempt, or are they blind to the world around them. If they'd worked it out, everyone would be happy.

Work this week has been really tough, I'm starting to wonder what I'm doing with my time,the last three months have gone past in a blur...and I'm really tired from it all, and of it all. I want to get out, but they may chuck me out before I get the chance to walk. We'll see, the end of March is the testing ground. Argh...

As for the rest of life, things are still really hard to understand, like why has it taken me this long to realise that I can't do things on my own any more. Sunday night we were in Luton seeing Karen, and we went to church, to St Mary's to see what it was like. I do love St Mary's, I've alway felt like its a church I could worship in forever, and I always have an experience of God and God's love for the lost when I'm there. This time was no different, and in so many ways it was the most different experience I've had of God, ever. Some of my friend had joined us for the journey and their experience of church is different, so I was a little worried that they wouldn't enjoy it. That feeling soon went out of the window. The sermon didn't hit me...but the words of the final song did...'I surrender'. I had to give up, not my possessions or my life, but the feeling that everything was alright, the brave face I've been putting on had to go. So I let go, and God moved me, I've got a long way to go, and I'm not alright, I'm very much standing alone.

God's carrying me, and taking me towards something that I'm frightened of, so frightened I can't see where I'm going.

I'm praying hard...and hoping that I can teach others from this part of my life.

Alpha Vision Day at HTB

Yesterday a small group from Christ Church spent the day at Holy Trinity Brompton, the birth place of the Alpha material.

Alpha is a very special course designed to allow everyone a chance to discover Christianity. If you've never heard of Alpha, click a link, you'll find some information.

The day was amazing, well run, full of smiling faces and lively worship. It's always going to be an interesting experience when you attend the largest church in Britain.

HTB has been on my radar for some time,friend in Bristol have spoken about it and I've heard of it through Alpha and various other avenues.

It was a good day, only a small amount of disappointment, but God really worked and the three things I really have to share from the day are:

Pray - over all things and all of the time, prayer only works when you use it.
Get together - the testimonies of all the churches that have got together to run Alpha will always be stronger than those who try to run groups alone
God loves me even when I'm weird - It doesn't matter what others think, no-one can put me down, they don't know me or love me as much as God does.

I also saw my old Chaplin from Uni, Pete, that put a smile on my face from the moment we stepped in the door. I haven't seen him for over two years and he's as affirming as ever!

Watching the work...

Particularly the men who have invaded my high street and made getting the bus in the morning a mini nightmare...This morning reached new proportions of silliness because they have decided to move into the road and traffic light it! As if the high street wasn't bad enough already, they've put temporary lights straight after a set of permanent ones! Funny to watch, nightmare to drive through, something I have to walk past every day...yes they have moved the bus stop, so no shelter over our heads if its raining, and from where I stand I can not see the board for the estimated arrival time of the bus, because its obscured by (wait for it) the original bus stop! Yet it gets funnier (sarcastic mood tonight!) they put the traffic lights up at 8am this morning, not the busiest time, but not the quietest either...it made my bus late and will back up the traffic for the duration of their stay...

But they are employed by Essex County Council...so I can't say much else, seeing my department name before I even get into work hurts a little!

Moving on...driving is going well, reversing around a corner will start in my first hour and a half lesson on wednesday...I'm steadily improving and I'm starting to push towards getting ready for my test (I do just want to drive on my own right now, I could do with taking some time out) , which means my dear Dad is going to have to spend more time sat next to me in the car.
They want to centralise the test centre to a ridiculous site in Basildon, which no-one is happy about, so I want to get my test done in Brentwood before that happens!

Bacvk to work...

Oh to blog...

And avoid what I actually should be doing when the house is nearly empty and very quiet.

I've been watching the sun set for the vange point of the office. Google maps (and what my parents have reliably informed me) I can see most of Brentwood and some of the outskirts of Basildon. I can also see a church (!) and a lot of green. I do love this view, I could sit here all day and watch it change, but then I would never get paid and would never do any exercise. I've watched all the children disappear as the sun does and my hands have gotten colder as the night air becomes freezing. Its a shame a camera can't see what my eyes see, I'd love to show you all!!

Anyway, I'd best get on with the task that I'm meant to be doing...

Something to do...

...to fill the time before I'm 'back'.

Today I have been filing, sorting piles of paper into number order and then putting them in the corroect place. The rest of the time when I don't need to think, we've been thinking about which famous people we would replace the team with. Some interesting choices for who would sit where! Rob's leaving on Friday, so he's filling the time but distracting the rest of us!

Back to work...

2 in one day...

I was chatting with my sister and I kinda stuck around to have a bit of a browse - which I don't normally do, and it's made me angry...

Not very angry, but I'm a little upset that in 5 mins of pressing Next Blog (please do not attempt this until after you have read the rest of what I'm going to say!) at the top of the page, I came across no fewer than 4 websites dedicated to showing a person's design capabilities. Now I know that this is a free site and people mainly blog to keep others updated, but actually drumming up business? Shame on you...I feel that takes horrible advantage of a free, very well run service...

I'm going to bed, to get warm again!

Long time, no post...

It's been ages I know, but life has been hectic!

For those of you who aren't on Facebook, I passed my Theory Test, thankfully and with an overwhelming relief (I clearly gave up with revision towards the end!), so now I can go on to practicing for passing the practical - eek - parallel parking and the like!

Also my talk went very well, I enjoyed it a lot, and now I have to think about leading a service too! But thats not until 18th May, so plenty of time!

I've been struck recently with the notion that God is in control of everything, even when I'm not sure of the future or even the present sometimes. I'm realising that so much of what I am is purely down to how God has worked through me. 'Who I am' is 23 years old and God knows that this moment of my life is full of errant feelings and difficult decisions. Far from being scary or overwhelming, it's a comfort and I'm slowly working my way back to letting Him be in charge, because, after all of this, He still knows more about me than I ever will - so who better to put my trust in.

Psalm 139 has fallen in to my lap more than once this week and the power of the verses astound me every time. Never shocking or meant in a mean way, its a wonderful piece of poetry - read it - on your own, in silence!

That familiar feeling

It's exam time again for me...I'm taking my Theory test on Tuesday...so I'm a little reserved, a little nervous and clenching my teeth again. It's what I do when I'm concentrating, and to pass a hazard perception test you have to concentrate for 14 mins. My problem is that I'm more concerned about where the video was taken than anything else. I can't help but think 'I'm sure I've been here before'!

Needless to say the practice is going well and I'm in pain from concentrating a little too hard!

Work is work at the moment, and thats where I'm leaving it, if you want an explanation, make sure I've got a smile on my face before you brave asking me 'how was your day?'

I'm off to have a look at the torchwood website and see if I can find the episode of CSI the sky box failed to record.

All change...

Do you like?

It took a while to get right...I'm happy with it though...I thought after a year or so of it looking boring, it needed something to set it apart!

In pain...

Physically and emotionally...more so physically right now, don't worry I've not broken anything, but I'm not going to give you any more detail for fear of you all running and hiding.

Emotionally, its been a tough week, a lot has happened, both at work and at home, though I feel its inappropriate to talk about it right now, give it 6 months and it might feel right talking about it. I threw a little paddy on Tuesday, about social workers and life in general...the stress of it all is reaching me a little...and there are various factors making it a lot harder than in needs to be.

Right, I'm off to finish my talk and do all of my printing...Kay is coming down tomorrow, someone who will hold my hand and reassure me.

One question - What do I waer at church on Sunday?

The Talk

I know I'm probably going to make this sound a little bit over dramatic, but

THE TALK IS FINISHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, now all I have to do is try not to change it too much before Sunday (because finished just means 'all of my ideas are in some kind of word order, but not the eventual order I will use') and, of course, practice it. I also have to purchase some surprises and make sure I've done my flash cards too. Sounds all really exciting doesn't it...

My vicar ever so kindly asked if everything was going ok (Thank you Warner, I hope everything goes well for you) and I said 'yes, of course it is! I'm looking forward to it', which isn't actually a lie, this is big for me, but not so scary any more. When I was 18 I was scared, but at 23 I'm only a little nervous. I think it helps that I'm going to be well practiced (reading it on the bus to myself counts as practice!).

So after years and years of just observing (being a singer counts as observing) I'm finally a part of the main service, I'm also on the communion rota and will probably be on the intercessors (praying up the front) rota at some point! All for a reason...

Sad news is that my driving lessons are a little sucky right now...the smoothness of the clutch seems to have disappeared and the poor diesel is whining at me a lot...hopefully I'll get better - and perhaps I'll wear different shoes next time!

Kay is coming to stay this weekend to see my bedroom in its full glory...and to hear me talk (apparently she enjoyed it last time!). Yeay!

Football

For those of you who haven't twigged, I'm an Arsenal fan..and tonight I'm feeling very lucky - post match, which really isn't the sort of luck I thought I'd be feeling.

We were lucky to get a 1-1 scoreline against Tottenham tonight, so shocking play from the youngsters under pressure and I'm really hoping that the second leg of the semi-final is of better quality from Arsenal.

I'm going to be eating my words at work tomorrow, I said we would win and we didn't - we spent nearly 45 mins down a goal to nil.

Bring on the return leg!

New Year

Yes, its a time that we're supposed to feel refreshed and happy that yet another year has passed...

But I guess that Monday morning feeling has already hit me, so I'm not in a jovial mood as I could be.

The new year is always accentuated by my brother's birthday - this year he turned 21, so it's super special. I've been out with his friends to celebrate, and out with close 'family' for lunch. He seemed to enjoy it and thought it was rather tame - until his friends reminded him that they're spending two nights in a hunted wood in Kent. Boy, how I'm praying for all of them and hoping that no-one comes home sick from being out in the cold. They are going to have immense amounts of fun...but I can't help worrying..hence why I'm going to work.

On other things...the pub we ate in on Saturday was alright, but the chocolate pudding didn't taste chocolatey enough and we probably won't go there again - my steak was tough and a few other things weren't up to standard...

Sunday 20th Jan is my chance to show Christ Church what I'm made of and what is going through my head, I'm speaking and I've almost got my talk finished, props are all but printed and the facebook event has been created...check me with my internet know-how! I'm looking forward to it, even if all of my friends are going to be heckling me! I just have to practice and get my ending sorted.

Work tomorrow and the day my line manager comes back from holiday, here's hoping she's happy! (see what I mean about Monday morning!)