Thursday, March 27, 2008

On the hunt...

After today I know I want to move on...It's just know where to start and what to look for thats the problem. I need a qualification if I'm going to work in the public sector or I need a very encouraging church if I'm going to work there...

Oh dear...time to start looking!

Friday, March 21, 2008

Dead to the world

I'm living with a brain that won't allow me to remember new things from one week to the next, so I've had to change it again, because I can not remember for the life of me what I'd written last week!

Another week that has been emotionally and physically draining for all the reasons that I can think of, and for some of the reasons that really should not take anything out of me at all. I guess the question is, how much longer can I keep going? Like this and with all of this...

I'm still praying in earnest that something will come to light soon...I feel like I've got a long way to go right now though...

As the saying goes, "today is Friday, but Sunday's acomin'"

God is doing a lot right now...

A lot can happen in three days, one man changed the world, the curtain was torn and death was beaten...Easter is quickly becoming a time that is very dark for me, a time when I am upset by the smallest things, and consider what lies ahead...

I keep writing about how I'm unsure, how I'm scared, how I know I can't cope, and all of a sudden, in the light of the events, it all becomes real, and all I want to do is be, with no pressure, no work, in emptiness, with an empty head, trying to figure out the path set before me.

But life is knocking on the door, telling me that my fears are irrational, so I step away and put on a brave face.

Dead to the world for different reasons, with one to put our trust in, knowing that this is the way it has got to be.

Sunday is coming...

Friday, March 14, 2008

Working it out...

Ok firstly, I have to mention the work men in the high street again...silly boys trying to move everything on a Friday morning at 8am, again...did they not learn from the first attempt, or are they blind to the world around them. If they'd worked it out, everyone would be happy.

Work this week has been really tough, I'm starting to wonder what I'm doing with my time,the last three months have gone past in a blur...and I'm really tired from it all, and of it all. I want to get out, but they may chuck me out before I get the chance to walk. We'll see, the end of March is the testing ground. Argh...

As for the rest of life, things are still really hard to understand, like why has it taken me this long to realise that I can't do things on my own any more. Sunday night we were in Luton seeing Karen, and we went to church, to St Mary's to see what it was like. I do love St Mary's, I've alway felt like its a church I could worship in forever, and I always have an experience of God and God's love for the lost when I'm there. This time was no different, and in so many ways it was the most different experience I've had of God, ever. Some of my friend had joined us for the journey and their experience of church is different, so I was a little worried that they wouldn't enjoy it. That feeling soon went out of the window. The sermon didn't hit me...but the words of the final song did...'I surrender'. I had to give up, not my possessions or my life, but the feeling that everything was alright, the brave face I've been putting on had to go. So I let go, and God moved me, I've got a long way to go, and I'm not alright, I'm very much standing alone.

God's carrying me, and taking me towards something that I'm frightened of, so frightened I can't see where I'm going.

I'm praying hard...and hoping that I can teach others from this part of my life.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Alpha Vision Day at HTB

Yesterday a small group from Christ Church spent the day at Holy Trinity Brompton, the birth place of the Alpha material.

Alpha is a very special course designed to allow everyone a chance to discover Christianity. If you've never heard of Alpha, click a link, you'll find some information.

The day was amazing, well run, full of smiling faces and lively worship. It's always going to be an interesting experience when you attend the largest church in Britain.

HTB has been on my radar for some time,friend in Bristol have spoken about it and I've heard of it through Alpha and various other avenues.

It was a good day, only a small amount of disappointment, but God really worked and the three things I really have to share from the day are:

Pray - over all things and all of the time, prayer only works when you use it.
Get together - the testimonies of all the churches that have got together to run Alpha will always be stronger than those who try to run groups alone
God loves me even when I'm weird - It doesn't matter what others think, no-one can put me down, they don't know me or love me as much as God does.

I also saw my old Chaplin from Uni, Pete, that put a smile on my face from the moment we stepped in the door. I haven't seen him for over two years and he's as affirming as ever!