Saying Goodbye

Not a lot has been going on recently...we're heading quickly towards the SOLID youth festival, which means that there will be at least one weekend in the years to come where little or no sleep is the only option. I'm looking forward to it, I'm a leader, as well as a member of the prayer ministry team, so something is bound to happen during the weekend...a chance for me to find out about the young people who will be a part of my life, to chat to other youth leaders and find out what is going on in the diocese and Essex, so that I can start my full time job with the right attitude and support.

Before then though is Wednesday, a big day for two reasons - its driving test day and I'm going back to The Barn for a chat about a weekend away that I'm doing at the end of July. I'm scared about both. I haven't been to the Barn since I finished volunteering with Viz-a-Viz and obviously, passing my test before I hit 24 is a BIG goal, so hopefully theres enough time of me to do exactly that.

At the moment I'm on my own, my parents and male siblings are away on holiday (Kent and Costa Rica respectively) so I've got an empty house to look after and a bus or two to catch for my journey into work. So I spent all of yesterday preparing for the week ahead, shopping and cooking...planning is a God send, as are freezers and fridges!

I do enjoy living on my own, but finding somewhere to do just that is proving difficult. Billericay is an expensive place to live right now. So I'm praying for somewhere to live and for my patience too.

I'm looking forward to starting a new job, I'm worried about leaving the old one though. I've had several people phone me and ask why my name isn't on the list for the new teams (the office is changing again), I've had to tell them that I'm going on to something else...I have never met these people, if they crossed me in the street I would be unaware of their presence, but they are all shocked that I'm leaving. For some reason they enjoy workng with me...the last ten months has been a curve...I'm going to keep saying that I'm going to miss working with a team 8 hours of the day, dreading working on my own and that I have memories of all these people, when it was hard and when it's been funny.

But God has been there every step of the way!!

Blogging at work...

I am only doing this cos I have 30 mins to kill before we set out for the Race for Business.

I guess I am also doing it because I have some important news to share with you.

I'm leaving the Council on 11th July to become a full time youth worker at Christ Church.

Sorry for the horrible silence for the past couple of weeks, but everything has been building up to it, and various other things have happened too.

Though mainly thoughts of an interview and a potentially uncertain future were holding me back from laying anything down, both in writing and personally.

So I have spent a lot of time keeping this under my belt, trying not to step on peoples toes, yet feeling encouraged at the same time that God has a plan and I was able to be totally honest with my colleagues at the council...

Well, I didn't get to post before the Race For Business...I did 3.5 miles in under 50 mins, which is ok for someone who does very little exercise. I am suffering for it this morning though!

This morning our system is down for an upgrade, so we can't do very much...I guess I'll spend my time thinking about whats ahead of me and start to think about where I'm going to live and what I can do during the hand over period, I also have to think about leaving cakes and a 'do' of some sort...

I am scared, I will have to take my time to get used to this and I have to realise that I can not do everything on my own, nor do I already know everything...another learning curve, just when this one had levelled out a bit too!

I love it, I know I'm going to enjoy it, and I know that I'm going to miss working in a team that has felt like a family, despite all the changes, over the last 8 months...

Pondering...

I've just flicked through a few of the blogs by clicking the 'next blog' button at the top of the screen, and come across some unusual snippets of people's lives and I have realised that people use blogs for everything. I'm sure I've ranted about this before, but I can't help thinking about how many bloggers there are in the world and which ones are the most popular, and which ones get read by just close friends and family. It's amazing what people observe and what is most important in their lives.

Right now, mine is a potential job move, and what's going on down the road. Sadly another ambulance has been called into the street (there was one to greet me as I walked to the bus a couple of weeks ago), causing both my brothers an unusual amount of caution as they go down our incredibly straight road. I don't think I know the people that live in the house the ambulance is sat outside of, but I do worry for their well being.

The world does depress me sometimes, reading my sister's most recent blog, about violent crime amongst young girls, is deeply disturbing, and seeing the state of the housing market and the education system in the current climate makes me think about whether bringing children into this world is a good idea, and further from home, the news sends us pictures every day of the devastation in China and Burma. I can't imagine that any grief I've ever felt in my life comes anywhere near to just one person's in those countries.

Of course I live in hope (but feel powerless because politics passes me by) that it will get better, if only slightly, in the future. I can only pray, because, as I read in an email that was sent round the office this morning, 'all we have is God'. When all is said and done, God is my steadfast, the one thing in my life that never changes and the one thing that keeps me going...The belief that I am loved, even when the world lacks it.

The rest of the week

After the explosion on Wednesday, we had several little 'blips' on Thursday, with the power going out for a very short time, leaving us to reboot our computers and hope that everything would be normal when we logged in. Sadly that was not the case...one of the main servers went down and left us with no email capabilities for a whole afternoon. We were also told to be very careful about how we use our system that keeps track of the financial side of things...so I found it difficult to do my job, and I'd completely exhausted myself the day before, because a centre decided to set up a parents group and not tell us until the afternoon before that transport was needed...unfortunately it takes longer than writing an email to set up transport.

I think I'm going to push for a job swap day...that could be interesting!

On other things, I have recovered from my lack of sleep last weekend, I have had a phone call about various aspects of a potential career move, including a green light to apply for a MA, I've also fallen in love with Scouting for Girls...and out of love with Girls Aloud. I'm also waiting for the new Patricia Cornwell novel...

Right, time to put suncream on, shut all the windows and prepare for my driving lesson.

P.S. The evolution of birds is in a bad way when wood pigeons decide to walk everywhere.

Plunged into darkness

Essex County Council lost power for abut 50 mins today, due to an explosion of a sub station at the ARU in Chelmsford. Which meant that the afternoon was severely disrupted by finding out what had actually happened and keeping a check on all the different forms of public transport that the team use to get home.

Fair to say it's probably one of the more interesting things to happen during my time as a temp...especially the looks on everyones faces as I replied to the 'Liz, we've lost everything' as I came back from lunch... 'Yeah...have you not seen the huge black plume of smoke over by ARU?'.

Our view was blocked by buildings, but being three/four stories up means there's a lot you can see. The police helicopter (which my line-manager thought was an air ambulance) , obviously the smoke, and all the people who rushed to get lunch when the power came back on.

Sadly one person died in the explosion. And over 8000 people were evacuated from ARU.

Back to work tomorrow, hoping that everything is back online.

Not getting any sleep...

Last night we went out, as a group of ladies, looking for a good time, we found it, in Bas Vegas of all places. Sadly no photos, but we had fun.

The problem I have is that I haven't been able to sleep since 08:30 yesterday morning, a combination of coke, alcohol and doing very little has probably lead me to the place I'm in right now. I'm emotional, over-tired and talking to myself, seriously discussing my options, out loud, in an empty house (though my brother has just pulled up outside, so I'm going to have to stop talking!). Oh and I'm irrational too!

Probably best if I don't write anything...I may well end up writing the life and times of Liz if I continue.

Short and sweet

Just to say hello, and that I haven't forgotten to blog!

Today was punctuated by young Chris joining us for lunch...obviously accompanied by his mother, as he's only 6 months old! Vicki use to work in our team, but is currently on maternity leave. Chris is a very sweet child, very happy and constantly aware of what is going on around him. Needless to say my pass (that gets me into the office) got a bit of a chewing whilst he was sat on my lap.

Everyone was talking about how I'd be 'next', firstly they've have to watch me get married before I even think about children, and I must say I don't think thats going to happen any time soon. I enjoy the company of children, they have a certain - to use a Harold Zidler phrase (Moulin Rouge) - 'wonderment' about them. Every thing is constantly new and enthralling. I must say baby Chris took it all in his stride.

The other bit of new I have to share with you is that I may soon be anchored to the council for another three months. I've been offered a permanent position, so that the team can't lose me at a moments notice. I feel like I've been floating around for a while, knowing that I could've lost my job, so having a contract with the council, rather than with the employment agency (who have not backed me in any way) feels a lot better. I described it to my manager this morning as being able to 'put my feet on the ground so I don't get dizzy and fall over', which I think is quite an accurate description of my life right now.

Time to sleep!

Asking the right questions...

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

This was on my daily bible verses part of my Facebook page...maybe, just maybe, I've been asking with the wrong intentions...

It's from James btw.

Work was hairy today, a lot of raised tempers and things not happening how they should. Plenty of issues, some I'm qualified to deal with, some I simply have very little training in. I'm still on a learning curve, from dealing with the office in general...to social workers...to everything that could possibly go wrong in one day. And I still have to do the regular amount of work that I normally do.

Getting paid peanuts was never going to be fun...

Finding a seat...

Can prove more difficult than you initially think.

I sat down on Friday afternoon, only to find that the bloke who sat next to me had exactly the same seat number on his ticket. The train guard had a little bit of a paddy when we mentioned it to him. 'It's not my fault, what do you expect me to do, you've all got a seat, haven't you?'.

I will not be using thetrainline.com for any future purchases, and will be phoning them tomorrow morning to tell them that they've got some serious problems with their ticket distribution. I expect to have a seat when I'm given a seat number, not to have to feel guilty for sitting in someone else's seat on a packed train.

Anyway, other than that, my weekend in Bristol has been fun, Miss Kay is ill, so I will wish her well (that's what being a teacher does to you!). We went shopping on Friday and Saturday and I've seen a very cool 'under the sea' classroom! Sleeping was the main agenda for the weekend, as well as the odd drink. Sat in the Beaufort, it felt like I'd never been away...and it's always good to see the shock on some people's faces when they realise you're back! Good to see people though...unfortunately I didn't make it to church, but I will do next time I'm there.

Right, I have to go and look for possible courses that I can do as part of my next job.

Being ripped off

Ok, so I'm at work and I'm blogging...all of good reasons I assure you...

One - The system is down and I can't actually do what I'm supposed to do!

Two - I feel I have been ripped off, by thetrainline.com and I want to rant before its too late!

It's been months since I last brought a travel ticket from said website, and last time I felt that it was good value for money, I'm using the 'right' debit card (one without a charge) and I was buying in plenty of time.

This time is a little different, but I don't get some of the charges...I'm paying for insurance - £1 a journey, love it, good idea. I'm paying £0.50p for 'ticket arrangement fee' - I'm guessing this means that they are charging me for going to collect my tickets from the ticket machine. Why? If I'm doing all the work surely they should be paying me...I have to walk to the station, with all my gumph and type in a series of letter/numbers, so that the machine will spit out my tickets...I'm paying £0.50p fpr 'payment card fee'...this is a website, there is no other way to pay for what they are asking for, so surely it should not cost anything...there should not be a fee because I am paying by card...they should factor it into the running cost of the business.

At least I can go and collect my tickets...it's £6.00 for normal postage and £10 for same day delievery.

I feel that someones business is going under...next time I'm buying my tickets well in advance and possibly talking to the staff at Billericay station, if the ticket office is open...

The system is back...back to work I go.

On the hunt...

After today I know I want to move on...It's just know where to start and what to look for thats the problem. I need a qualification if I'm going to work in the public sector or I need a very encouraging church if I'm going to work there...

Oh dear...time to start looking!

Dead to the world

I'm living with a brain that won't allow me to remember new things from one week to the next, so I've had to change it again, because I can not remember for the life of me what I'd written last week!

Another week that has been emotionally and physically draining for all the reasons that I can think of, and for some of the reasons that really should not take anything out of me at all. I guess the question is, how much longer can I keep going? Like this and with all of this...

I'm still praying in earnest that something will come to light soon...I feel like I've got a long way to go right now though...

As the saying goes, "today is Friday, but Sunday's acomin'"

God is doing a lot right now...

A lot can happen in three days, one man changed the world, the curtain was torn and death was beaten...Easter is quickly becoming a time that is very dark for me, a time when I am upset by the smallest things, and consider what lies ahead...

I keep writing about how I'm unsure, how I'm scared, how I know I can't cope, and all of a sudden, in the light of the events, it all becomes real, and all I want to do is be, with no pressure, no work, in emptiness, with an empty head, trying to figure out the path set before me.

But life is knocking on the door, telling me that my fears are irrational, so I step away and put on a brave face.

Dead to the world for different reasons, with one to put our trust in, knowing that this is the way it has got to be.

Sunday is coming...

Working it out...

Ok firstly, I have to mention the work men in the high street again...silly boys trying to move everything on a Friday morning at 8am, again...did they not learn from the first attempt, or are they blind to the world around them. If they'd worked it out, everyone would be happy.

Work this week has been really tough, I'm starting to wonder what I'm doing with my time,the last three months have gone past in a blur...and I'm really tired from it all, and of it all. I want to get out, but they may chuck me out before I get the chance to walk. We'll see, the end of March is the testing ground. Argh...

As for the rest of life, things are still really hard to understand, like why has it taken me this long to realise that I can't do things on my own any more. Sunday night we were in Luton seeing Karen, and we went to church, to St Mary's to see what it was like. I do love St Mary's, I've alway felt like its a church I could worship in forever, and I always have an experience of God and God's love for the lost when I'm there. This time was no different, and in so many ways it was the most different experience I've had of God, ever. Some of my friend had joined us for the journey and their experience of church is different, so I was a little worried that they wouldn't enjoy it. That feeling soon went out of the window. The sermon didn't hit me...but the words of the final song did...'I surrender'. I had to give up, not my possessions or my life, but the feeling that everything was alright, the brave face I've been putting on had to go. So I let go, and God moved me, I've got a long way to go, and I'm not alright, I'm very much standing alone.

God's carrying me, and taking me towards something that I'm frightened of, so frightened I can't see where I'm going.

I'm praying hard...and hoping that I can teach others from this part of my life.

Alpha Vision Day at HTB

Yesterday a small group from Christ Church spent the day at Holy Trinity Brompton, the birth place of the Alpha material.

Alpha is a very special course designed to allow everyone a chance to discover Christianity. If you've never heard of Alpha, click a link, you'll find some information.

The day was amazing, well run, full of smiling faces and lively worship. It's always going to be an interesting experience when you attend the largest church in Britain.

HTB has been on my radar for some time,friend in Bristol have spoken about it and I've heard of it through Alpha and various other avenues.

It was a good day, only a small amount of disappointment, but God really worked and the three things I really have to share from the day are:

Pray - over all things and all of the time, prayer only works when you use it.
Get together - the testimonies of all the churches that have got together to run Alpha will always be stronger than those who try to run groups alone
God loves me even when I'm weird - It doesn't matter what others think, no-one can put me down, they don't know me or love me as much as God does.

I also saw my old Chaplin from Uni, Pete, that put a smile on my face from the moment we stepped in the door. I haven't seen him for over two years and he's as affirming as ever!

Watching the work...

Particularly the men who have invaded my high street and made getting the bus in the morning a mini nightmare...This morning reached new proportions of silliness because they have decided to move into the road and traffic light it! As if the high street wasn't bad enough already, they've put temporary lights straight after a set of permanent ones! Funny to watch, nightmare to drive through, something I have to walk past every day...yes they have moved the bus stop, so no shelter over our heads if its raining, and from where I stand I can not see the board for the estimated arrival time of the bus, because its obscured by (wait for it) the original bus stop! Yet it gets funnier (sarcastic mood tonight!) they put the traffic lights up at 8am this morning, not the busiest time, but not the quietest either...it made my bus late and will back up the traffic for the duration of their stay...

But they are employed by Essex County Council...so I can't say much else, seeing my department name before I even get into work hurts a little!

Moving on...driving is going well, reversing around a corner will start in my first hour and a half lesson on wednesday...I'm steadily improving and I'm starting to push towards getting ready for my test (I do just want to drive on my own right now, I could do with taking some time out) , which means my dear Dad is going to have to spend more time sat next to me in the car.
They want to centralise the test centre to a ridiculous site in Basildon, which no-one is happy about, so I want to get my test done in Brentwood before that happens!

Bacvk to work...

Oh to blog...

And avoid what I actually should be doing when the house is nearly empty and very quiet.

I've been watching the sun set for the vange point of the office. Google maps (and what my parents have reliably informed me) I can see most of Brentwood and some of the outskirts of Basildon. I can also see a church (!) and a lot of green. I do love this view, I could sit here all day and watch it change, but then I would never get paid and would never do any exercise. I've watched all the children disappear as the sun does and my hands have gotten colder as the night air becomes freezing. Its a shame a camera can't see what my eyes see, I'd love to show you all!!

Anyway, I'd best get on with the task that I'm meant to be doing...

Something to do...

...to fill the time before I'm 'back'.

Today I have been filing, sorting piles of paper into number order and then putting them in the corroect place. The rest of the time when I don't need to think, we've been thinking about which famous people we would replace the team with. Some interesting choices for who would sit where! Rob's leaving on Friday, so he's filling the time but distracting the rest of us!

Back to work...

2 in one day...

I was chatting with my sister and I kinda stuck around to have a bit of a browse - which I don't normally do, and it's made me angry...

Not very angry, but I'm a little upset that in 5 mins of pressing Next Blog (please do not attempt this until after you have read the rest of what I'm going to say!) at the top of the page, I came across no fewer than 4 websites dedicated to showing a person's design capabilities. Now I know that this is a free site and people mainly blog to keep others updated, but actually drumming up business? Shame on you...I feel that takes horrible advantage of a free, very well run service...

I'm going to bed, to get warm again!

Long time, no post...

It's been ages I know, but life has been hectic!

For those of you who aren't on Facebook, I passed my Theory Test, thankfully and with an overwhelming relief (I clearly gave up with revision towards the end!), so now I can go on to practicing for passing the practical - eek - parallel parking and the like!

Also my talk went very well, I enjoyed it a lot, and now I have to think about leading a service too! But thats not until 18th May, so plenty of time!

I've been struck recently with the notion that God is in control of everything, even when I'm not sure of the future or even the present sometimes. I'm realising that so much of what I am is purely down to how God has worked through me. 'Who I am' is 23 years old and God knows that this moment of my life is full of errant feelings and difficult decisions. Far from being scary or overwhelming, it's a comfort and I'm slowly working my way back to letting Him be in charge, because, after all of this, He still knows more about me than I ever will - so who better to put my trust in.

Psalm 139 has fallen in to my lap more than once this week and the power of the verses astound me every time. Never shocking or meant in a mean way, its a wonderful piece of poetry - read it - on your own, in silence!

That familiar feeling

It's exam time again for me...I'm taking my Theory test on Tuesday...so I'm a little reserved, a little nervous and clenching my teeth again. It's what I do when I'm concentrating, and to pass a hazard perception test you have to concentrate for 14 mins. My problem is that I'm more concerned about where the video was taken than anything else. I can't help but think 'I'm sure I've been here before'!

Needless to say the practice is going well and I'm in pain from concentrating a little too hard!

Work is work at the moment, and thats where I'm leaving it, if you want an explanation, make sure I've got a smile on my face before you brave asking me 'how was your day?'

I'm off to have a look at the torchwood website and see if I can find the episode of CSI the sky box failed to record.